Velveeta Jones has a sit down with Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin!

Yes dear readers, recently, a group of people were selected to ask Gov. Palin questions, and to my utter surprise, I had the distinct privilege to ask the burning questions that the American people want answers to. Unfortunately, as I later found, the selection process did not seem to include those Americans that are often referred to as “elite” and to which I have now come to realize is just another word for “smart”.

How your own Velveeta was selected for this is beyond me. Though, for some reason, people assume that anyone with a Southern accent and any semblance of proper decorum, or conversely, a penchant for beer and NASCAR, to be rather dull headed and dense. This is a falsehood perpetuated by the liberal media I assure you.

Herein is my interview with Vice Presidential candidate Gov. Sarah Palin:

VJ: Gov, thank you for allowing me to ask you a few questions. I understand your hesitation and will abide by your rules to no “filtering” (as she claims CBS did) and to acknowledge that you will only answer the ones you choose. I have an awful lot of important questions and I want to get right to it, because I know I have a limited amount of time.

SP: Yoobetcha! Those being the questions that the people on Main Street want t’ hear. I’m talkin’ about all of you….. people just like me. Ya know, we go to the hockey games and we…

VJ: I’m sorry; I’m going to have to interrupt. With all due respect Gov. Palin, not that many people in America play hockey. In fact it’s kind of associated with States near the border with Canada, and well, Canada. I doubt there is much hockey on the Main Streets of say, Atlanta, South Central LA, or Wichita Kansas. Most “average” Americans, who live nowhere near our northern border, play basketball, soccer, baseball and football. For many of us, hockey seems to be, well, how can I put this…. a “white man’s sport” more akin to Polo.

SP: But I’m talking to the hockey moms and the Joe Six-packs that just try to live out each day. They just want the Government to leave ‘em alone so they don’t have t’ live in fear of one crisis to the next…..you know, the reason John McCain tapped me is because I’m just one of those regular people. I don’t belong to the inside Washington crowd.

VJ: Okay, so lets talk about this. If you think the Government should leave them alone, why do you want to be a member of this Government? You claim to be a “Washington outsider” but you’re running for the 2nd most powerful person inside Washington. You’ll no longer be an outsider.

SP: I’m not part of the Washington media elite, you know, I’m a maverick, like John McCain, a man who has served his country and always put his country first. You know, I’m not part of the Washington herd. I’m an outsider. A Maverick.

VJ: So, you’re saying that even when you (God forbid) are in Washington, you’ll still be an outsider?

SP: Under a McCain/Palin administration you just can’t expect two mavericks like me and John McCain to agree on everything……..

VJ: Um. What?

SP: So, yes, yes, we’ll be outsiders in that when I go over there and rule the Congress they will have t’ abide by the maverick policies that a McCain/Palin administration will bring. And that means we’ll be using our pens and takin’ names and makin’ people famous. All those tax and spend insiders will be reined in, you bet!

VJ: So, speaking of earmarks, which is what I think you were talking about, what kind of things would you cut? What kind of social programs? Things like Headstart?

SP: Oh, those socialist programs….

VJ: No, I said “social” ……..

SP: ….those programs would never get wings under a McCain/Palin administration! No way! First off, we got to do away with these elitist programs that do nothin’ to help Main Street America. How is a person ever gonna get out of the ditch if we continue to waste tax dollars on socialist programs like the Headstart? These people will always keep there hands up’n out and never go out and be…..look under a Palin/McCain administration there will be funding for programs, certainly, we’re not gonna just cut important programs that the people on Main Street depend on….. and I have some good ones, as well, that when I’m the President of the Congress will be inacted……. and then,

VJ: Like?

SP:… well like programs to help out the gays and such. We need to ramp into gettin’ those gay people some much needed help for their poor choices in life. As well as, let’s not forget to mention parenting programs for teens when they make that beautiful decision to keep their babies and of course….

VJ: Um, yeah. And, dare I ask, what about teaching creationism in public schools. I assume you want that as well?

SP: Oh no. We don’t want the hand of Big Brother, the Federal Government, to tell the local school districts what t’ do. Oh no. I will see to it that the local levels get the control of the school boards, rather, the school boards need to control their own boards, their people, and make their own curriculum and let the locals decide what is best for their students. But, in my opinion, I think it should be taught as an accepted principle. And yah know, that’s comin’ from the daughter of a science teacher, just a regular hockey mom. And I think that’s what the regular people want, yah know, the Joe Six-packs and such.

VJ: (smashing laptop on head) you keep saying that you’re regular, but it was recently reported that you have over $1 million in assets. Do you really think you’re a regular American?

SP: …. and a hockey mom.

VJ: Yes, we’ve established that…..

SP: Do yah know the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull?

VJ: Lipstick.

SP: Lipstick.

VJ: ……….

SP: Yoobetcha.

VJ: Did you just wink?

SP: ……

VJ: Okay, let me, attempt to move on to some actual questions that people really want answers to. Things like you’re views on Foreign policy and the current financial….….

SP: Oh, I’m sorry, we’re outta time and I have t’ go get my infant. ‘Cause my 5 year old can’t baby sit him for too long or she gets bored and starts lickin’ his head.

VJ: AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH……